Emotions make you cry sometimes…Especially when everything changes overnight!
That quiet space after a loss where you’re left with nothing but your thoughts, the replays, your pain, and the pieces. I didn’t know how much I had held in until it started to spill out at the most unexpected times — tears, exhaustion, numbness, fear, and triggers. Some days I couldn’t tell if I was crying from pain, pride, anger, gratitude, or simply the release of surviving what felt like another impossible gut blow. Some days brought back memories of the first time a man violated me and I had no control, other days I wished my mom was a call away– because she was always there and she could fix anything or make it better. I begin to replay old memories that were happy and I became fixated on them to block out the reality that another man took advantage of me. I was played by a man again. I failed to protect myself AGAIN and he took something that belonged to me. I trusted him to complete a job but he took what I worked very hard for, played mind games with me and stole my car. He was someone I thought could be trusted that I respected enough to provide whatever he asked just to get my car back. He held my car from me and then he permanently closed his business. The authorities didn’t listen to me. Everything was hard. Eventually, as the calls weren’t returned, I knew that he had taken my car and that I’d have to lean in on God for transportation and provision. The car rentals were too expensive and uber was too much. I’m a new business owner after all!
I quickly learned that this chapter of my life wasn’t about bouncing back and more about surrendering and refining. And somehow, in the middle of all the emotions I felt, God began to move through grand gestures — through strangers and other genuine believers in God. At my breaking point, I sat in my office and cried for hours telling God how tired I was of EVERYTHING. I cried out, You’ve taken my mom, I left my job, my heart has been broken, I’ve let go of everything you’ve told me too, I’ve been faithful and doing what you’ve asked and now this. I need a car, I’m so tired, God! The past four years have worn me out. Extremely overwhelmed by painful memories and triggered by outdated traumatic experiences.
Within an hour of my prayer, I received the first of many calls that restored my trust in God. It was all of the trust that faded when my mom passed. My friend, Taylor and her husband Victor called. Little did I know they’d seen my prayers in the prayer group and had already discussed allowing me to use their car. I was blown away when they told me they were bringing their car. I used their car for nine months! This was only the beginning of how God would move in ways I had no clue!
God had a recovery plan. I didn’t see it at first, because I was still trying to hold everything together on my own. Trying to maintain too much. But His provision was quiet, intentional, and wrapped in community. Uncharted favor from every corner! Let me tell you that I am truly his and if you come for me, you come for my father in heaven.
With Love,
Patrice Thomas